ONCE AGAIN WINTER OLYMPICS SCHEDULED DURING WINTER

(published Friday, Feb. 12)

Tonight the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics will take place in Vancouver, BC, Canada. The BC stands for “Before Comfort.” No, just kidding. The BC stands for British Columbia, a very lovely and comfortable part of the world—during every season except winter. Which brings us to the primary drawback of the Winter Olympics: they are always held during winter.

Being a sports fan, if an athletic competition is on television, I’ll usually watch. This is true even for those Olympic events that are not actual sports, such as synchronized swimming, luge, curling, badminton, and figure skating.

What’s that you say? Oh please, don’t get me started. Figure skating is NOT a sport. It’s a dance recital on skates. There’s no ball or puck or stick or goal, and there’s no opportunity to knock your opponent on his or her butt (except in the dressing room, which I hear happens quite often). So it may be lovely and graceful and athletic, but it’s not a real sport. Figure skating is more like a NASCAR race. All the spectators say they’re there to watch the speed and power and precision, but what they really want to see is a crash. In either case, whether slamming into the wall on Turn 3 or tumbling to the ice after a missed triple toe loop, any chance of winning is gone.

Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by figure skating fanatics, I was discussing the unfortunate fact that all Winter Olympic events must take place on either snow or ice. If I remember correctly from high school science class, I’m pretty sure for snow and ice to work properly, a major dose of coldness is required. Who in their right mind would want to travel to a city within shouting distance of the Arctic Circle—in February!—and then stand or sit outside for hours on end just to watch some guys named Hans and Sven go zipping by on the luge track? Not me, that’s who.

I’ve never been a spectator at an Olympic event, but over the years whenever the Summer Olympics were being held—Montreal, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Atlanta, Sydney, etc.—I can remember watching on TV and thinking to myself, “It must be fun to be there in person, in the bright summer sun, enjoying the festivities and athletic events.”

Whenever I’ve watched the Winter Olympics on TV—Lake Placid, Sarajevo, Calgary, Lillehammer, Salt Lake City, etc.—I never once thought, “Boy, I’d like to be there in person to experience firsthand what a 30-below wind chill can do to my nose and fingertips.”

I’m not sure if tonight’s opening ceremonies are indoors or outdoors. (If they were smart they’d hold the opening ceremonies inside a climate-controlled Hollywood sound stage in Los Angeles, where they can call for fake snow right on cue, just like in those old Andy Williams Christmas specials.) If it’s indoors, the spectators’ feet will only get a little numb after two hours. But if it’s outdoors, keep a close eye on the spectators after a couple of hours. The looks on their faces will say something like: “You mean I spent $10,000 just to get hypothermia?!”

Whether the Olympics are held during the sunny warmth of August or the dark chill of February, it’s always a spectacular two-week festival. I’ll definitely be watching on TV—inside my comfortable living room while wearing a sweater and fuzzy slippers, all-the-while thankful that I’m not there in person. With any luck some of the figure skaters will spin out on Turn 3 and crash into the wall.

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(Postscript a few days later: It turns out the opening ceremonies were indoors after all, so no one got frostbite, but some of those guys hanging by wires from the ceiling for half the night surely got dizzy. And they did use fake snow on cue, just like Andy Williams and I suggested. Personally, I would have preferred listening to Andy rather than those grunge, fiddle, stomp-dance, tattoo dudes.