New Video Game Causes Injurii

Santa Claus brought us a Nintendo Wii system for Christmas. If you’re not familiar with Wii, the first thing you should know is the pronunciation. The word Wii is pronounced “Wee.” I’m not sure why. After all, the word Hawaii is pronounced “huh-WHY-ee,” so you’d think Wii would be pronounced “WHY-ee.” But I digress.

The second thing you should know is the Wii is an interactive video game system. Unlike typical video games, where you sit on the couch and move only your thumbs on the control buttons, with the Wii, you hold a remote control device in your hand and move your arm. When you simulate swinging a tennis racquet or golf club, or rolling a bowling bowl or throwing a baseball, the system senses exactly how you are moving your arm and the cartoon character on the TV screen mimics your movements. You feel like you’re actually playing a game of tennis or a round of golf.

It’s fascinating the way the system can sense the exact motions of your arm. It’s done either with sophisticated high-tech wireless electronics, or maybe with magic. Frankly, I’m leaning toward magic.

Anyway, because I’m a middle-aged schlep, who is pudgii and creakii and far too rustii, the result of spending most of the past 20 years sitting in a siit and typing out ii-mails, when I engaged in furious arm-swinging for two straight hours playing the Wii games, I woke up the next day grumpii, crankii, and ache-ii. I had in fact given myself an injurii, in the form of a terribly strained and throbbing shoulder.

(Really, Bill? Wii jokes? Are you actually going to insert “ii” into every word that has the “ee” sound? Well, maybii. Oh come on now, is there any doubt, oh yii of little faith, that I’d skip an opportunity to bludgeon a gag to death by overusing it? The answer to your question, of course, is: Wii wii, monsieur!)

However, the Wii games were nothing compared to the Wii Fit, an exercise and fitness system, complete with an electronic platform that does all kinds of fun things, like tell you that you weigh 203 pounds, but at six-foot-one you really ought to weigh 166 pounds. “Excuse mii, Mr. Wii?” I said in shock. “One-sixty-six? I haven’t weighed 166 since 8th grade. You know I’m an American, right? Santa didn’t bring the Wii Ethiopian version, did he?”

The Wii Fit comes with many different balance and coordination exercises, most of which are designed, I’m pretty sure, to make you feel as foolish as possible. After each exercise the Wii offers helpful comments such as (I swear, I’m not making this up): “Do you find yourself tripping when you walk?” and, “Memory games are not your strong suit, are they?”

At this point, I’m not sure if the Wii Fit program will help me get in shape and lose a few pounds, or if those taunting comments will incite me to throw the riimote control device right thru the Tii-Vii scriin.

I don’t think I’d do anything as sillii as throwing the riimote into the scriin and destroy my Tii-Vii. At least until my shoulder heals—I mean, hii-als.

(Really, Bill? Aren’t you sick of it yet? What’s next, wii wii urinal jokes? Ooh, I never though of that. Thanks for the idea.)

Well, we’ll sii. I’ll give the Wii a couple of more wiiks. If it doesn’t start triiting me with some respect, I’ll go back to my old tried and true method of exercising: sit on my butt and type out ii-mails. At least my arm won’t hurt.