PETS PLOT VIOLENT TAKEOVER

A report issued in March by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) says that 86,000 Americans are brought to hospital emergency rooms each year after accidentally tripping over their pets. Eighty-six thousand?! And those are just the ones who have to go to the E.R. How many people trip over their pets and don’t need emergency medical attention? How many simply limp around for the next few days with a sprained ankle or bruised hip or a lump on their forehead? The true total of pet-tripping incidents must be staggering.

Also staggering is the complete gullibility of the CDC. Their report blithely assumes these pet-related injuries are accidental. Yeah, right. Anyone who has ever owned a cat or a dog knows firsthand these furry friends can become downright sinister if they don’t get their own way.

For example, take the average dog. Ol’ faithful Rex may be sitting there, staring at you and panting heavily, looking as if the only thing on his mind is a desire to please you, his master. But don’t be fooled. Deep in his tiny brain he is thinking: “Gimme some food. Gimme some food. Gimme some sex. Gimme some sex. Gimme some food and sex.” (In this regard, the average dog is quite similar to the average college fraternity member.)

However, everything changes the minute you do one of two things: switch to the less expensive store-brand dog food or bring Rex to the vet to get “fixed.” From that moment on, and for the rest of his doggie lifespan, even though his panting stare seems to indicate he still is devoted to you, Rex will be thinking only one thought: “I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna kill you. Gimme some food.” (Well, he is a dog, after all. You know the food thing will always be there.)

Cats are much worse. They don’t even pretend to be devoted to you. They stare at you with undisguised distain. Even if you continue to spend half of your disposable income on obscenely overpriced gourmet cat food, and even if you never bring them anywhere near the vet’s “fixing” scalpel, cats will look at you and think: “I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna kill you. Why? Just because I feel like it.”

You think ALL of these trippings are mere accidents? Hah! My theory is it’s a massive conspiracy. Pets from coast to coast are engaged in a secret plot to take over the country while their masters lay dazed and helpless. The 86,000 serious injuries per year are just the tip of the iceberg. On a pre-arranged date in the very near future, every pet in America will begin to run figure-eights around our ankles until we all tumble to the floor.

Don’t believe me? Just think back over the past few months. How often have you come home from work in the evening and said, “That’s odd. I thought I turned the computer off this morning. Guess I forgot.”

Well, you didn’t forget. You did turn it off. But as soon as you drove away, your pet jumped up on the chair, fired up the computer, and began sending emails and Instant Messages to a vast network of plotting pooches and conniving kitties. No one knows the exact date this heinous plot will be hatched—and not surprisingly, the pets aren’t talking. But when that fateful day arrives, it will not be pretty.

Still don’t believe me? How else can you explain 86,000 emergency room visits per year? It must be a pet plot. Or else we humans are just a bunch of klutzes. That’s a good theory, too.