THE CELEBRITY NEWS REPORT

 

Last month a particular news story dominated the airwaves for weeks. As you know, many important events occurred in January. A new president was inaugurated. The economic recession worsened as hundreds-of-thousands of workers lost their jobs. A heroic pilot somehow landed a disabled jet in the Hudson River and saved the lives of everyone on board. A cold snap caused record low temperatures throughout half of America (and even caused Al Gore to burn record amounts of natural gas to heat his palatial Tennessee mansion). War raged once again in the Middle East. But by far the most important story last month, at least based on the hysteria displayed by news organizations, was this: Oprah Winfrey weighs 200 pounds again.

 

“Stop the presses!” “We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin…” “…and therefore, my fellow Americans, I have asked Congress to declare a national state-of-emergency…”

 

Oh my goodness. Oprah weighs 200 pounds again. How will our country survive this national tragedy?

 

Is it just me, or have our traditional news sources become indistinguishable from, say, The National Enquirer? At times I have to pause and ask myself, “Am I watching The CBS Evening News or Entertainment Tonight?” Or, “Am I reading the Hartford Courant or People magazine?”

 

I did a Google search for the words “Oprah 200 pounds,” and it returned 2.5 million matches. I checked the first 30 or so matches, and found links to sources such as these: ABC News, The Denver Post, MSNBC, The New York Times, and the Associated Press.

 

A headline of one of the many New York Times stories on this subject read, “Oprah Mad At Herself For Ballooning Weight.” Well, I’m glad the newspaper that dubs itself as “All the news that’s fit to print,” found this story fit to print—over and over again. I think the Times has done more stories about Oprah’s weight than it’s done about a certain U.S. senator who received millions in campaign contributions from the banking industry, along with two sweetheart personal mortgage deals, and yet is still chairman of the Senate Banking Committee and at this very moment is deciding which financial institutions will receive billions in taxpayer bailout money. (If you have no idea who I’m talking about—but know every detail about Oprah’s battle of the bulge—then I rest my case.)

 

One morning in January I woke up and turned on the radio. The one-minute network news summary at the top of the hour had time to report three stories, in this order: 1) Oprah now weights 200 pounds, 2) more U.S. soldiers were killed in Afghanistan, 3) a major corporation declared bankruptcy and laid off thousands of employees.

 

Out of curiosity, I tried to tune in at the top of each hour as often as possible during that particular day. Stories number 2 and 3 changed throughout the day as various events occurred around the globe. But every time I listened, story number 1 remained the same: Oprah now weights 200 pounds.

 

I guess in this tight economy, news organizations can make more money telling people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. But they certainly could boost profits even more by consolidating their efforts. Instead of paying Katie Couric a zillion dollars per year, they could have Mary Hart anchor the “The CBS Evening Entertainment News Tonight.” Mary will smile at the camera and say, “Good evening. Nuclear explosions vaporized major portions of the Middle East today. But first, our top story: Is Brittney Spears drinking again? And does she now weigh 200 pounds?”