TIME FOR THE ‘WINTER GAMES’

The holiday season is over. It is now January in New England, and we have at least two more months before the sun comes out again (or so it seems), and at least three more months before the temperature rises above zero degrees Fahrenheit (again, or so it seems).

Many people are actually excited about this dark and freezing time of year. Some of them are clinically insane, of course, while the others are people who enjoy what are known as “winter sports.” Which, in Dr. Dunn’s book, is the same thing as being clinically insane.

These people truly enjoy putting on a pair of skates or skis, and going out in the frigid winter weather for a few hours. Their goal, apparently, is to see how long it will take to develop third-degree frostbite. Then, when that goal is achieved, they will conclude their outdoor adventures, possibly in an attempt to distract their central nervous systems from the pain of frostbite, by taking violent tumbles that fracture wrists and tear knee ligaments.

I admit it, I’m a wuss. If I had my way, I would spend the entire time from November 15th to April 1st sitting beside a wood stove. I am definitely not a big fan of being cold. However, there are still some challenging winter activities available for those of us who would not voluntarily go outside and skate or ski even if offered a wheelbarrow filled with General Motors stock certificates. (Oops, note to self: think up a new expression for an enticing offer.)

These activities are almost like participating in our own personal Winter Olympics. Please keep score during the next few months, and in the Spring we’ll see who has won the most gold medals. Here are some of the events:

Driveway snow blower race – This lively event occurs early in the morning when the weatherman’s overnight forecast of “possible light flurries” turns into ten inches of light flurries piling up in your driveway. Since you didn’t wake up earlier than usual to clear the snow, you now must race against the clock to snow-blow a path one millimeter wider than your car, and still make it to work on time.

Slippery sidewalk dance competition – Oftentimes the people responsible for spreading salt on icy sidewalks are instead spending the entire time from November 15th to April 1st sitting beside a wood stove. As you scurry from the parking lot to your office building (possibly trying to win a gold medal in the previous event), you suddenly hit an icy patch. The judges carefully look for style points as you flail and twist in a desperate attempt not to fall down or throw out your back. Points are usually deducted if you hit the ground, unless you can gracefully fling the entire contents of your briefcase in a majestic arc just before you slam onto the glazed concrete. This event is especially exciting when co-workers happen to witness your entire dance routine from the office windows.

Driving blind with an ice-covered windshield contest – Here’s the situation: sleet and snow are building up on your windshield during the evening commute home. You are out of wiper fluid, which doesn’t really matter since your wipers are four-year-old strips of cracked, hard rubber anyway. Do you chicken out and pull over to the side of the road and scrape your windshield clean? Or do you trudge on toward the finish line and navigate by peering through a clear spot on your windshield the size of a small Post-It note? Hint: chickens never win the gold.

Let the games begin!