SUPERMARKET HELPFUL HINTS

In last week’s column I discussed the fact that it had been many years since I was inside a modern supermarket. (If you didn’t see that column I believe you can find it prominently displayed at the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C.)

Because the Food Acquisition Technique (F.A.T.) in our family was a bit unfair—my wife did all the shopping and I did all the eating—I finally volunteered to help out. So one day a number of months ago my wife wrote out a shopping list, stuffed a large wad of coupons into my pocket, pinned a little note to my jacket with my name and phone number just in case I became disoriented, and sent me off to the nearby Tons O’ Grub super colossal mega jumbo grocery store.

As I walked through the sliding glass entry doors you could actually hear via hidden loudspeakers the theme music of the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.” When I passed through those doors, the vast enormity of the facility took my breath away. (Note to self: vast and enormity mean the same thing. Stop being so redundantly repetitive.) I now know what the first-century Christians must have felt like when they entered into the Roman Coliseum, although my experience in the supermarket was significantly more painful compared to their experience with gladiators, lions, insurance agents, etc.

Here is a list of helpful hints for other guys who might find themselves inside a modern supermarket:

• When you first walk inside, immediately throw away the shopping list and coupons your wife gave you. They just make you more confused than you already are.
   
• Don’t forget to get a shopping cart. No matter how sure-handed you were as a high school shortstop many years ago, you cannot carry a week’s worth of groceries in your arms. (Been there, done that, splattered a jelly jar on the tile floor.)
   
• When you get a shopping cart, don’t waste time trying to find one with four functioning wheels. That’s a little game the supermarket industry plays on unsuspecting husbands. EVERY shopping cart has one wheel that never spins properly. It’s done to enhance the excitement and challenge of the shopping experience.
   
• Since you have wisely abandoned that repressive and restrictive shopping list, you are now free, just as Luke Skywalker was, to “follow the Force.” Simply glide down each aisle and let the faint voice of Sir Alec Guinness tell you which items should be put into your cart. Note: don’t go shopping when you have the munchies or ol’ Obi Wan Kenobi will tell you to fill your cart with nothing but Cheetos and Hostess fruit pies.
   
• Don’t stare at the items in other people’s shopping carts. For some reason it makes them uncomfortable. And definitely don’t point at something in their cart and exclaim, “Omigod! Are you really gonna eat THAT?!” (Oh wait, never mind. That’s what people were saying to me.)
   
• When your cart is full, don’t waste time trying to determine which checkout line has the shortest wait. That’s another supermarket industry game: the slowest checkout line is ALWAYS the one you choose. Don’t fight it, you can never win. Just enjoy the extra minutes (hours?) by catching up on juicy celebrity gossip plastered all over the covers of those magazines. And feel free to say loudly to everyone nearby, “Omigod! Can you believe what Britney Spears did this time?!!”

If you follow these helpful hints, I guarantee everything will work out fine. (“Fine” being defined as: your wife will never send you grocery shopping again.)