VOTERS PONDER CRUCIAL DECISIONS

 By Bill Dunn

Here is a quick lesson on the topic of “election math.”

One-third of the voters already have decided they will vote for the Democrat candidates, even if, or maybe especially if, Karl Marx and Fidel Castro are on the ballot.

One-third of the voters already have decided they will vote for the Republican candidates, even if, or maybe especially if, Attila the Hun and the Apostle Paul are on the ballot.

The middle one-third of voters are the people who actually will determine the outcome of the races in November. This is a very important and solemn responsibility. We are at a critical crossroads, and our cultural and economic future hangs in the balance. The decisions made during this year’s election just may determine whether or not the United States rebounds and once again leads the world as a beacon of freedom and prosperity, or continues its recent and painful slide toward oblivion and ruin. It is not an exaggeration to suggest the elections of November 2010 just might be the most important in the history of our country.

And so, bearing this awesome burden of responsibility, here are the deep and profound concerns currently being pondered by the people who hold the nation’s fate in their hands, the middle one-third group of voters:

• “What’s going to happen to ‘American Idol’ now that Simon Cowell has left the show?”
   
• “My new iPhone is awesome. I just have to figure out how it works.”
   
• “Hey, McDonald’s now serves breakfast until 2 p.m. Isn’t that great?”
   
• “Why in the world did they ever let that awful Kate Gosselin on ‘Dancing with the Stars’?”
   
• “Did you see the video on YouTube of that monkey scratching his butt? It was hilarious!”
   
• “When is the cable guy going to get here? They told me by noon, and it’s already 12:30!”
   
• “How come there’s not an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet closer to my house? I have to drive all the way across town.”
   
• “Why are my pants so tight? They must’ve shrunk in the wash.”
   
• “Should I get a flat-screen TV for the bathroom?”
   
• “My new TiVo is awesome. I can record four TV shows at once. I just have to figure out how it works.”

Yes, that’s right. The folks who will determine which politicians are victorious in the November elections do not yet know there will be November elections. They are a bit preoccupied at the moment. Also, since they never read newspapers, listen to news-talk radio stations, watch politically oriented TV programs, nor get involved with politics at the local level, they have no way of knowing it’s an election year.

But don’t worry. The middle one-third of the electorate will discover it is an election year in time to vote. The revelation will occur in late October, when they notice the reruns of “Two and a Half Men” and “Friends” have nothing but campaign ads during the commercial breaks.

At that point they will make their decisions, the decisions that will impact the lives of all citizens for years to come. As always, they will cast their votes for the candidates who have the highest name recognition and who promise to hand out the greatest amount of other people’s money.

In the end, this exercise in ignorant democracy will mean our nation, our state, and our local communities will get exactly what we deserve.