Opinion Page columns

Unless otherwise noted, these essays were published in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT
 

FAILURE TO BE IMPRESSED BY TRIAL LAWYER

by Bill Dunn

I saw an advertisement on TV the other day for yet another sleaze ball, ambulance-chasing trial lawyer. No, I don’t think all trial lawyers are sleaze balls—just the ones who are breathing.

Anyway, I was a bit startled by this particular parasite’s clever marketing ploy to get rich. He refers to himself as a “failure-to-diagnose” lawyer, and he specializes in suing the medical industry whenever someone has cancer. Well, he doesn’t exactly phrase it that way. He says he sues the medical industry whenever cancer is “misdiagnosed and untreated.”

Now, it is true that cancer is sometimes “misdiagnosed and untreated.” After all, medicine is just as much an art as a science, and since the medical profession is populated with fallible human beings, there are bound to be mistakes. Whenever there is a case of negligence, it is perfectly appropriate to sue for malpractice.

But let’s be honest, if someone calls this particular lawyer’s office and says, “I just found out I have cancer, but I don’t think the doctors did anything wrong…” what do you think the reply might be? “Gee, too bad. Good luck with your treatment.”

I don’t think so. I suspect the reply might be, “Come on in for a free consultation! We’ll find someone to blame! Any even if we don’t, we’ll still sue every doctor you ever saw dating back to age six, and somebody’s insurance company will get tired of fighting this and finally write us a check just to be done with it.” (OK, that last sentence might be thought rather than spoken out loud, but we all know how the game is played.)

I visited this lawyer’s website: FailureToDiagnoseCancer.com. (At first I hesitated to mention his shameless website address, concerned the free advertising would result in even more frivolous lawsuits. But since he’s spending a ton of money on TV ads hawking his well-honed vampire skills, I guess it won’t matter.) I happened to find his website by doing a Google search for the phrase “blood sucking parasite.” No, just kidding, but that would’ve been appropriate.

The website claims this guy was “named as one of Connecticut's SuperLawyers by his peers in 2006 and 2007.” Yeah, that’s a lot like being named “Molester of the Year” by the  North American Man-Boy Love Association. I had never heard the word SuperLawyer before, but recently I read an article about an antibiotic-resistant infection that used the word SuperGerm. There’s possibly a connection.

Don’t get the impression that I think all doctors are paragons of virtue. Both of my parents had some serious medical issues this past year, and I’ve seen first-hand more than enough medical professionals who are rude, tired, sloppy, and stressed-out. In other words, they’re human. (Maybe one of the reasons they’re tired and stressed-out is because they are so often the target of frivolous lawsuits. Just a thought.)

Trial lawyers should give the medical profession a break and seek new victims. Here are some ideas:

FailureToBePopular.com, where you sue everyone you went to high school with for not liking you.

FailureToWin.com, where you sue every Little League team that beat your team 30 years ago.

FailureToBeThin.com, where you sue McDonald’s for selling you what you ordered. (Oh wait, this is already happening.)

FailureToBePresident.com, where you sue the Supreme Court for deciding that someone else won the election. (For Al Gore only.)

My dream is to find a trial lawyer with the guts to file a class action lawsuit against the trial lawyer industry for driving the cost of health care through the roof. His website would be: FailureToSellMySoul.com.

©2008