NEW PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY INITIATIVE AT D.C.F.

By Bill Dunn

Did you see the recent announcement by Ms. Bleaden Hart, who is the Commissioner of the Department of Children and Families? At a press conference on the steps of the state Capitol, Ms. Hart made the following statement:

“Thank you for coming here on this momentous day. I am proud to announce a brand new initiative, which we are confident will transform social services here in the state of Connecticut.

“As you all know, the mission of the Department of Children and Families, from the very beginning, has been the health and welfare of families in our great state—primarily the health and welfare of the families of DCF workers. Which is why our department currently has over 1200 employees who earn more than $75,000 per year, plus 138 supervisors who earn well over $100,000 per year. And this does not include our ‘Cadillac’ health care plan and the generous lifetime pensions when we retire early.

“So, as you can see, we are doing a great job of achieving our primary goal. But at DCF, we occasionally must address the health and welfare of other state citizens, namely our clients and their families. And this is where our new initiative will have a major impact.

“The new program is called ‘Motivation and Responsibility Really Influence Everyone’s Destiny,’ or M.A.R.R.I.E.D. for short.

“The program is based on the results of a ground-breaking scientific study, published last month in the New England Journal of Medical Stuff. Admittedly, the findings of this 15-year, $600 million research project were a shock to those of us with advanced degrees in the Compassionate Responsibility-Avoidance Profession, or C.R.A.P. for short. But facts are facts. And against all conventional wisdom, the study found the best way to insure the well-being and prosperity of children is to make sure the children’s biological parents are married.

“Who knew? I mean, who in a million years would’ve thought such a quaint, old-fashioned social arrangement would prove to be the best solution to chronic societal problems such as crime, unemployment, substance abuse, and baggy pants hanging down below one’s butt?

“So from now on, all DCF social workers will no longer advise clients that whatever they feel like doing is perfectly fine. We no longer will tell our clients their problems are always someone else’s fault. Instead we will teach our clients a novel concept: individual character and personal responsibility are important. We will insist that every child deserves to be raised by two parents.

“Now, of course, a program of this breathtaking magnitude will not be easy, nor will it be inexpensive. A veritable army of DCF employees must be completely retrained. Everything they learned while earning their Master’s degrees in Social Work has now been disproven. We, therefore, are asking the state legislature to increase our department’s budget by 750 mill— No, let’s make it an even one-billion dollars.

“That should be a sufficient start. After all, we will need to hire dozens of new managers to manage our current managers, and hundreds of new supervisors to supervise our current supervisors. But despite the cost, we are very optimistic our new initiative will greatly improve the condition of our state’s most chronically impoverished citizens.

“Thank you for your time today, and thank you in advance for your support in funding this crucial program.”

OK, so maybe the head of DCF is not Ms. Bleaden Hart. And maybe the department has no plans to encourage marriage and responsibility. But a guy can dream, can’t he?